Growing Old

One of the perils with growing older is that you start getting afraid and you have fear, because you have more to lose. When we were younger, we didn't have much so we didn't risk much. As a result, life was simpler, decisions could be made quicker. You only really had yourself to think about.

As you grow older, you invest more in relationships, in careers, in decisions. Life starts to get difficult as you find yourself weighing the pros and cons of every situation, every option. Then you start to have people you really care about, which make decisions less likely to be selfish because you actually have to think about the people around you - how your actions may impact them, and if they may actually know you better than you think.

Being an adult has its perks, like having your own apartment, traveling solo, making your own money and creating your own destiny (of sorts). But it definitely doesn't get easier.

Look At Me

We all need someone to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under.

The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public. That is the case with the German singer, the American actress, and even the tall, stooped editor with the big chin. He was accustomed to his readers, and when one day the Russians banned his newspaper, he had the feeling that the atmosphere was suddenly a hundred times thinner. Nothing could replace the look of unknown eyes. He thought he would suffocate. Then one day he realized that he was constantly being followed, bugged, and surreptitiously photographed in the street. Suddenly he had anonymous eyes on him and he could breathe again! He began making theatrical speeches to the microphones in his wall. In the police, he had found his lost public.

The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. They are the tireless host of cocktail parties and dinners. They are happier than the people in the first category, who, when they lose their public, have the feeling that the lights have gone out in the room of their lives. This happens to nearly all of them sooner or later. People in the second category, on the other hand, can always come up with the eyes they need. Marie-Claude and her daughter belong in the second category.

Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark. Tereza and Tomas belong in the third category.

And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers. Franz, for example. He traveled to the borders of Cambodia only for Sabina. As the bus bumped along the Thai road, he could feel her eyes fixed on him in a long stare.

- Excerpt from Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"

Unspoken Words and Guilt

Without lifting his head from the pillow, he turned to her and nearly gasped: the grief burning in her eyes was unbearable.

"Tell me, Tereza, what's wrong? Something's been going on inside you lately. I can feel it. I know it."

"No." She shook her head. "There's nothing wrong."

"There's no point in denying it."

"It's still the same things," she said.

"The same things" meant her jealously and his infidelities.

But Tomas would not let up. "No, Tereza. This time it's something different. It's never been this bad before."

"Well then, I'll tell you," she said. "Go and wash your hair."

He did not understand.

The tone of her explanation was sad, unantagonistic, almost gentle. "For months now your hair has had a strong odor to it. It smells of female genitals. I didn't want to tell you, but night after night I've had to breathe in the groin of some mistress of yours."

The moment she finished, his stomach began hurting again. He was desperate. The scrubbings he'd put himself through! Body, hands, face, to make sure not the slightest trace of their odors remained behind. He'd even avoided their fragrant soaps, carrying his own harsh variety with him at all times. But he'd forgotten about his hair! It had never occurred to him!

Then he remembered the woman who had straddled his face and wanted him to make love to her with it and with the crown of his head. He hated her now. What stupid ideas! He saw there was no use denying it. All he could do was laugh a silly laugh and head for the bathroom to wash his hair.

But she stroked his forehead again and said, "Stay here in bed. Don't bother washing it out. I'm used to it by now."

His stomach was killing him, and he longed for peace and quiet. "I'll write to that patient of mine, the one we met at the spa. Do you know the district where his village is?"

"No."

Tomas was having great trouble talking. All he could say was, "Woods... rolling hills..."

"That's right. That's what we'll do. We'll go away from here. But no talking now..." And she kept stroking his forehead. They lay there side by side, neither saying a word. Slowly the pain began to recede. Soon they were both asleep.

- An excerpt from Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being

EARTH WIND AND FIRE!

EARTH WIND AND FIRE!!!

We've got on a date on 1st Dec!!! I'm putting on my dancing shoes, and you old farts better put up a good show!!!

La Vida es Sueño

La Vida es Sueño - Pedro Caldéron de la Barca

Sueña el rey que es rey, y vive
con este engaño mandando,
disponiendo y gobernando;
y este aplauso, que recibe
prestado, en el viento escribe,
y en cenizas le convierte
la muerte, ¡desdicha fuerte!
¿Que hay quien intente reinar,
viendo que ha de despertar
en el sueño de la muerte?

Sueña el rico en su riqueza,
que más cuidados le ofrece;
sueña el pobre que padece
su miseria y su pobreza;
sueña el que a medrar empieza,
sueña el que afana y pretende,
sueña el que agravia y ofende,
y en el mundo, en conclusión,
todos sueñan lo que son,
aunque ninguno lo entiende.

Yo sueño que estoy aquí
destas prisiones cargado,
y soñé que en otro estado
más lisonjero me vi.
¿Qué es la vida? Un frenesí.
¿Qué es la vida? Una ilusión,
una sombra, una ficción,
y el mayor bien es pequeño:
que toda la vida es sueño,
y los sueños, sueños son.

The Nasi Lemak Story

I have always loved a good satisfying dish of Nasi Lemak (rice cooked in coconut milk). From the hearty portions from dedicated restaurants, to the little coconut leaves packed with goodness at the street stall... Such a simple dish of rice, peanuts, deep fried ikan bilis (small anchovies), cucumber slices and the all-important sambal.

Nasi Lemaks were a staple diet for me growing up. Even now. I remember vividly an incident in junior school when i was 10 or 11. I spent my allowance of the day on a steaming plate of Nasi Lemak at a food stall. The plastic plate was orange (and they usually have burnt marks on them, strange), and the utensils were soft silver metal.

I held my precious plate of Nasi Lemak with two hands, and walked cautiously towards the benches. Just as I took another step forward, a little boy (shorter and younger) ran into me and knocked the plate out of my hands.

The next few moments unfolded in front of my eyes in slow motion.

The orange plate slipped out of my hands...

... it flipped over like a failed frisbee...

... my steaming nasi lemak flew through the sky...

... the rice grains took flight...

... the ikan bilis followed in earnest...

... there goes the peanuts...

... the blob of sambal...

then Silence.

I didn't hear the items land, but then it was just there. My allowance Nasi Lemak, all over the floor. The boy looked up with me, with fear and desperation in his eyes.

I was upset. I was angry. I had no more allowance, and my Nasi Lemak was on the floor.

I stared at him with anger welling in my big wide eyes. He dropped his gaze and then ran away. There i stood, in the awkward divide between the stalls and the benches, with the remains of a Nasi Lemak on the floor at my feet and a hundred pairs of eyes on me. I felt lost, embarassed, angry, sad, helpless.. all in one big mixture of emotions. I frankly just didn't know what to do.

The vendor lady called out to me, and told me it was okay before swiftly dishing me another plate of Nasi Lemak. Her generosity was touching, but at that time, it all happened in a daze. I took the new steaming plate, walked past the forsaken predecessor and tried to pretend like nothing happened at all.

Sowing Seeds

Paranoia is a thought process heavily influenced by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs concerning a perceived threat towards oneself. In the original Greek, παράνοια (paranoia) simply meansmadness (para = outside; nous = mind). Historically, this characterization was used to describe any delusional state.

Downsizing

As I walked home in my 4-inch (thankfully comfortable) purple heels, I decided that it is time to downsize.

Downsize?

Why downsize?

What am I going to downsize?

On the contrary, it is now increasingly easy to upsize. 50 cents more for a bigger pack of fries and a larger cup of coke (on that note, I hate fastfood with a passion), 2 dollars more for an extra 100ml of fabric softener, 1.50 more for that little extra of something, anything, everything. The environment of the blessed encourages us to consume more and more and more and more.

Buy more to save more, doesn't matter if you don't need more.

You never know when you're going to need some.

So where shall i begin to downsize? I have a few ideas.

1) Eat Less

I'm not 18 anymore, and I am no longer doing 40 laps at the swimming pool every alternate day and showing off a lithe and svelte body. Fact is, my metabolism has slowed, and I'm sitting on my ass all day only working my lungs and my fingers. I shouldn't be eating as much as I used to, and it is time for me to start watching what I feed my body. I shouldn't be skipping breakfast, gorging at lunch, and indulging at dinnertime. I don't really need the appetizer to tease my palate or the dessert at the end to clear my palate. And I definitely don't need to be paying an arm and a leg for meals that often.

Eat less and eat healthy.

2) Buy Less

Okay, there are many reasons a woman can come up with to justify a new pair of shoes, a new dress, a new belt and so on. Fact is, no matter how many new pieces we buy, there is NEVER enough clothes to wear, never the right coloured shoes and bags to match, never the right outfit for the mood of the day. If I had been more disciplined, and acquired classic pieces that never go out of style which can be mixed and matched, I would not have needed to buy more. I don't really need to have a new dress for every party, every event and every wedding (which recently, are as frequent as every break up, so why spend all that money?). I don't need to be constantly buying gifts for family and friends just because they could like it or that it could be a nice thing to do. I also don't need to be sponsoring or paying for stuff for others that often. I am sure people won't hold it against me.

Buy less and buy good.

3) Procrastinate Less

End of year is always a time to reflect, a time for melancholy, but is not an excuse to get lazy. I have been too comfortable and so, have been procrastinating more and more, and getting lazy, finding excuses. Oblivious to myself, I am wasting my life when I get lazy, and the laziness seeps into many aspects of my every day. And when I sleep less, I get up earlier, and I then will have time for breakfast and won't gorge at lunch or indulge at dinner.

This also cascades down to: Sleep Less and Laze Less.

4) Dream Less

I am a dreamer, and my dreams motivate me. But dreaming should not distract me from focusing on what's at hand. If I don't focus on what's at hand, I don't move forward, then the dreams remain as dreams. So with dream less, I don't mean stop dreaming... but focus more as I keep a check on the dreaming.

Focus more, and make the dreams happen, so the nett dreaming becomes less.

5) Talk Less

Last (for the moment) but not the least, it won't hurt to talk less and listen more. When I talk less, I will also be less visible, and maybe then, a little less expectations and responsibilities, and more time to focus on what's at hand (see above). Maybe I have been missing out people, things, and changing situations. Talking less will help me to be more aware of my surroundings, get off the radar a little, and turn my attention inwards (which is what we all love to do at the end of the year)

Talk less, listen more and be more aware.

People don't always need to know what you're thinking and you don't always need to get the answers right away.

There, by top 5 downsizing plans that shall start tomorrow. I'm excited about them!

Soy + Latte = ?

I tried a soy latte once, and thought it tasted weird. So when presented the opportunity today, i decided to give it another shot. Maybe the last one just happened to be a bad one. Maybe the soy milk was bad. Maybe.

The soy latte arrived in a latte glass, just like any other lattes I've had. I took a hesitant sip, and my face crunched up in agony.

It still tasted odd.

It just doesn't make sense. I love soy milk, I love lattes. I could drink glasses of them every day and not get sick of it. I use soy milk in my morning cereal, followed by a latte. I have a latte after lunch, sometimes even after dinner.

So why is it that when you combine soy and latte, the concoction is so odd???

Sounds a little like people, coming together, trying to make a relationship work. Girl is great, guy is great. But together, not so great. And you can force yourself to drink the whole glass (I did! I thought perhaps, it's a matter of acquiring the taste...), but you may then just be marked for life and never give it a shot again. But on the other hand, if you never added soy and latte, you would have never known how it'd taste. Then you could try to adjust the amount of soy, and the amount of coffee, till you reach the magical proportion.

Or maybe, you should just continue to drink your soy and latte separately. Keep the soy with the dough fritters and the cereal, and the latte with the choc chip cookies (and the trusty toffee nut syrup!)

Breathe in, Reconnect

Close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Imagine the stream of fresh air cascading down the back of your throat and filling you up with clear, untainted air.

Hold your breath, clear your mind, and focus at the point between your eyes.

Release your breath in a slow steady stream, empty your lungs, feel your stomach collapse.

Wasn't that cleansing?

At the end of the day, all of us should spend a few moments just focusing on our breathing and to reconnect with ourselves. With all that chaos attacking our senses everyday - on the streets, from the TV, from the radio, from our ipods, in the office, at restaurants - it's easy to lose touch with oneself.+

Then before you know it, the day is over.

It's the end of the year... an even more poignant time to reconnect and to refresh!