Heartbeat

Where you stand, where you are, that's what your life is right there, regardless of how painful it is or how enjoyable it is. That's what it is. - Taizan Maezumi

Have you ever listened to your own heartbeat with a stethoscope? I have. Last week, Rubberface came home with a stethoscope, and taught me how to listen to my own heart. After much figuring about (Rubberface chastised me for not knowing the accurate location of my heart), I finally heard myself (literally, listen to your heart!).

Dum dum...dum dum... dum dum..

Wow, I said to her, that's what's keeping me alive.

In that moment, a revelation hit me. That life can be very simple and uncomplicated, but so fragile at the same time. At the end of the day, it's more important to keep your body healthy, and to keep that heart pumping. When it comes to the human body, strange things can happen without reason. The heart is not operated by chips and wires, can't be broken apart to analyze and put back easily. For some reason or another, it can just stop. No heartbeat, no pumping, no blood.

If the heart doesn't beat, there's really no need to sweat all the other things. It doesn't really matter.

Sleep has evaded me the past weeks, while vivid, weird and morbid dreams have taken over. I can't remember if I was terrified in those dreams, but I wake up recounting every scene, every feeling I had and wondering why I could have dreamt of myself swimming through marshland clogged with severed body parts and dead dogs, being chased by skeletons in black robes, and running/ flying/ fleeing down flights and flights of stairs.Maybe i should try sleeping on the other side of the bed or drinking less water before bedtime...

Losing Track and Focus Again

Family and friends are always telling me how i try to do a million (and one) things at the same time. A few days ago, shortly after returning from a series of work trips, i was telling a friend about my day - work, 3 loads of laundry, a few episodes of grey's anatomy (how did it take me so long to get hooked on???), transferring pictures from my camera to the computer, and downloading apps for my new ipod touch.

She paused and said, "how do you do so many things at one time?"

Another time, i was impatient and started griping to another friend. She replied with a straight face, "not everyone multi-tasks like you".

Mom, i can now officially announce, that you have trained me well.

Lately, I have been craving for quiet time... to write, hopefully to start drawing/ sketching again, to read, to reflect. I think it will be great to have an antique writing desk, customized writing paper, stationery. If i put aside a few hours to indulge in writing, I wonder what i will produce and how long it will take to find the writer in me again. I used to write alot of stories, my own poetry, made up my own realities and fantasies. They kinda died as I grew older, or were packed into a box and stored in a dark corner of my secret creative mind. I tell myself, i'll bring it out again... when i have time. But when i have time, i turn on the TV, i meet some friends, i go for yoga... just everything aside from writing.

Then there's oil and acrylic painting.
Learning Greek and Italian.
Picking up Tennis (got the tennis racket! just don't know how to use it! YET!)
Practising scales on Monk.
Losing weight.
Motivating myself to run (it's not true that getting fancy running shoes will motivate you).
Getting back into my regular swimming routine.

There is just so much to do.

Christmas is coming soon. They have begun to hang Christmas decorations around, which is rather extreme in my opinion. The cab driver thinks that it's the malls way to entice people to start shopping earlier. So imagine my shock when i found myself wondering whether it really was time to start Christmas shopping. Truth be told, the idea of Christmas shopping has always enticed me. Drawing out the recipient list, thinking about appropriate gifts, planning the gift budget, looking out for the gifts, wrapping them up and giving them away. It is really just an excuse to be shamelessly nice... to people we care about.

Nothing much planned this week. Probably good to get some yoga lessons into the routine. Also need to have more discipline with regards to eating healthy. Not getting any younger! Gotta start taking better care of ourselves!