I've Gut a Feeling

Hello February! God, i need to improve on this blog writing. Penning once a month can hardly justify maintaining a blog. It's not that I don't have thoughts that I'd like to share, but i just have so many things going on that I find sitting in front of my computer writing my blog a luxury.

So anyway, recently, there's been a lot of talk about gut feelings.

"Go with your gut feel."
"Listen to your gut, what is it trying to tell you?"
"Trust your gut feelings."

Since when did gut feelings become reliable? And what do people without gut feelings do? How do they make their decisions? I've always had a hard time finding my gut feelings, because i'm weighing pros and cons, and thinking good and bad. On the contrary, i find gut feelings highly suspicious... i see it more as an emotional response masking itself as intuition. Wait a minute... is intuition and gut feeling the same thing? I don't think so. I think intuition is informed, but gut feelings are not. Intuition is backed by some rationale most of the time, but gut feelings are always more of a gamble.

Then again, in this uncertain and unpredictable (arguably) world, maybe all we have are intuition and gut feelings... and a belief that at the end of the day, everything will be all right and be for the best.

Je Te Presente... 2010

I wanted my first blog entry for 2010 to be meaningful, and to start the year on a good note. Resolutions, travel plans, ambitious undertakings, unadulterated optimism, timelines. I thought I'd give myself some time to formulate my thoughts, before I put them down. Just so that I mean it.

But that didn't really happen.
What really transpired was... 2010 came and swept me away before i could say "Avtio 2009". It hit me like a gigantic wave, took me under, knocked the wind out of me, blinded me, flooded my senses and left me disoriented.

2009 came and gone, and I waved it a big goodbye. It was an interesting year, and provided me with several professional highlights. I led an important project and did well in it, and moderated a panel at a prominent conference in the industry for the first time in my life. What was valuable to me was that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and proved something to myself - I can succeed in what I set out to do.

2009 also marked the longest time I've spent living in one city in the last 6 years. It was frankly a little unnerving, and I fought the temptation to pack my bags and leave again. Knowing that I can grab my humble belongings and move anytime makes me feel free and more in control of my destiny. In 2009, I also had to make some tough decisions on the personal front. Some of which made me proud, and some pained me enough to rob me of sleep. All of which are life learnings for me... all necessary I hope.

So I guess, 2010 isn't going to wait for me to get ready for it, but it is definitely ready for me. Aside from a much anticipated 5-week long discovery vacation in Spring to where the heart wants to be, I don't know what 2010 has in store for me. I hope what it has brought thus far is not a sign of things to come! I'm beginning to think that I am growing weak with age, and I sincerely hope for a simple year without too many complications.

Soon, it may be time to pack my bags and move again. I am getting too comfortable, and my roots are going too deep for comfort... not forgetting to mention the feeder plants. I'm making them healthy, and I like to watch them grow. But they are tightening their grip... or are they?

Bring it on, 2010! But if you could just wait a second, while I grab my fins and kick my way back on the surface first...

The Angels are at it again!

EWF Tonight

Let's Groove Tonight at the Boogie Wonderland... A Fantasy, 3 months after September... the venue will be set on Serpentine Fire, even After The Love Has Gone.

Growing Old

One of the perils with growing older is that you start getting afraid and you have fear, because you have more to lose. When we were younger, we didn't have much so we didn't risk much. As a result, life was simpler, decisions could be made quicker. You only really had yourself to think about.

As you grow older, you invest more in relationships, in careers, in decisions. Life starts to get difficult as you find yourself weighing the pros and cons of every situation, every option. Then you start to have people you really care about, which make decisions less likely to be selfish because you actually have to think about the people around you - how your actions may impact them, and if they may actually know you better than you think.

Being an adult has its perks, like having your own apartment, traveling solo, making your own money and creating your own destiny (of sorts). But it definitely doesn't get easier.

Look At Me

We all need someone to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under.

The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public. That is the case with the German singer, the American actress, and even the tall, stooped editor with the big chin. He was accustomed to his readers, and when one day the Russians banned his newspaper, he had the feeling that the atmosphere was suddenly a hundred times thinner. Nothing could replace the look of unknown eyes. He thought he would suffocate. Then one day he realized that he was constantly being followed, bugged, and surreptitiously photographed in the street. Suddenly he had anonymous eyes on him and he could breathe again! He began making theatrical speeches to the microphones in his wall. In the police, he had found his lost public.

The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. They are the tireless host of cocktail parties and dinners. They are happier than the people in the first category, who, when they lose their public, have the feeling that the lights have gone out in the room of their lives. This happens to nearly all of them sooner or later. People in the second category, on the other hand, can always come up with the eyes they need. Marie-Claude and her daughter belong in the second category.

Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark. Tereza and Tomas belong in the third category.

And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers. Franz, for example. He traveled to the borders of Cambodia only for Sabina. As the bus bumped along the Thai road, he could feel her eyes fixed on him in a long stare.

- Excerpt from Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"

Unspoken Words and Guilt

Without lifting his head from the pillow, he turned to her and nearly gasped: the grief burning in her eyes was unbearable.

"Tell me, Tereza, what's wrong? Something's been going on inside you lately. I can feel it. I know it."

"No." She shook her head. "There's nothing wrong."

"There's no point in denying it."

"It's still the same things," she said.

"The same things" meant her jealously and his infidelities.

But Tomas would not let up. "No, Tereza. This time it's something different. It's never been this bad before."

"Well then, I'll tell you," she said. "Go and wash your hair."

He did not understand.

The tone of her explanation was sad, unantagonistic, almost gentle. "For months now your hair has had a strong odor to it. It smells of female genitals. I didn't want to tell you, but night after night I've had to breathe in the groin of some mistress of yours."

The moment she finished, his stomach began hurting again. He was desperate. The scrubbings he'd put himself through! Body, hands, face, to make sure not the slightest trace of their odors remained behind. He'd even avoided their fragrant soaps, carrying his own harsh variety with him at all times. But he'd forgotten about his hair! It had never occurred to him!

Then he remembered the woman who had straddled his face and wanted him to make love to her with it and with the crown of his head. He hated her now. What stupid ideas! He saw there was no use denying it. All he could do was laugh a silly laugh and head for the bathroom to wash his hair.

But she stroked his forehead again and said, "Stay here in bed. Don't bother washing it out. I'm used to it by now."

His stomach was killing him, and he longed for peace and quiet. "I'll write to that patient of mine, the one we met at the spa. Do you know the district where his village is?"

"No."

Tomas was having great trouble talking. All he could say was, "Woods... rolling hills..."

"That's right. That's what we'll do. We'll go away from here. But no talking now..." And she kept stroking his forehead. They lay there side by side, neither saying a word. Slowly the pain began to recede. Soon they were both asleep.

- An excerpt from Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being